I celebrated a birthday today. Not my own but a kindred spirit someone that transformed from a coworker to a dear lifelong friend, Juanita. We sat over a good meal and talked and laughed, celebrated the days spent together and those to come. This morning a Facebook post of another friend announced the devastating news of her miscarriage. My heart ached for her. I knew how she felt because I too lost a little one over a year ago. Few people know about it because I choose to keep it that way not today. Today I announced that my little one blossomed in my womb for 6 weeks. I acknowledge the love and honor I feel at carrying our first child. Our happy little accident for it wasn’t planned but who plans life. I realized something was amidst on my lunchbreak but having deadlines to meet, I went back in notified my superior of what I thought happened and kept working. I scheduled a Dr’s appointment, met with my practitioner who confirmed my suspicions and spent a long labor day weekend aching for a little one that I didn’t even know a week earlier existed. I’ve known loss but haven’t we all? While my husband was deployed to Afghanistan my dear sweet Godchild Jada Michal Phillips “JadaBug” who was born with a genetic condition died at 5 months and 3 weeks old. We buried her on what would’ve been her six month birthday.Her parents were my closest friends and we grieved. 3 days later my husband’s base was attacked. I called my brother at 3am and he consoled me as best he could. He didn’t have any answers why and neither do I. On the day we buried Jada, out of nowhere in a clear blue sky, a rainbow appeared. Somehow, in some universe she was letting us all know that she was ok. After a few days of grieving the loss of our little one my husband and I went to lunch, the sky was dark and rain drops fell along with my tears. At a red light beyond the windshield wipers, I saw a rainbow on the horizon, as we got closer I noticed it was two. It would be nice to say that I haven’t mourned since then, but my heart ached when I held my friend’s newborn and when I saw pregnant women go by or when the time approached that would’ve been my due date. I thank God for the fact we produced a life. I celebrate that life no matter how short. I gained insight in my loss and strength to follow my dreams. I realized I wouldn’t have time to dedicate to my little one like I wanted on my current career path. I was not fully living our stepping into the dreams I had for myself. I thought of all the wonderful things I would’ve told my little one and thought about my own negative self talk. I realized if I wouldn’t talk to my baby that way, why was I talking to myself that way. His life enriched mine and I am grateful. I am thankful for the strength and courage. Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Tuesdays Gone was an accurate portrayal of how I felt; Train roll on, on down the line, Won’t you please take me far away? Now I feel the wind blow outside my door, Means I’m leaving my baby behind. Tuesday’s gone with the wind. My baby’s gone with the wind. And I don’t know where I’m going. I just want to be left alone. Well, when this train ends I’ll try again, But I’m leaving my woman at home. [chorus] Tuesday’s gone with the wind. Tuesday’s gone with the wind. Tuesday’s gone with the wind. My baby’s gone with the wind. Train roll on many miles from my home, See, I’m riding my blues away. Tuesday, you see, she had to be free But somehow I’ve got to carry on. Carry on I do, like the wind my baby will return. We’ve followed our dreams and are creating a warm and loving environment for our future little one. And one day like the many I’ve loved and lost, we will graduate to our next stage of being, and hopefully we’ve left a little courage behind to live before dying.
December 20, 2011