My life has been a bit of a whirlwind. Words have been both friends and enemies and cancer is just AWFUL. My dad was diagnosed with stage 3 bladder cancer shortly before his birthday in February. It’s been quite a roller coaster. A shock to both our systems and there are ‘daze’. Literally days where I find myself engulfed in the throws of chemo and statistics and a man that faintly resembles my father. In a way it’s been a blessing. I never realized how much I loved him until cancer showed up. I’ve had to question my existence, my ‘who am I with my parents’ mode as my mother has had health issues as well. There are some days I feel less artist more child. I’m learning to juggle both and to FEEL, without any distractions are external meditation on comfort food or any other vices.
One of my favorite motivational speakers once said, pain means to Pay Attention Inward Now. Cancer has certainly gotten mine. In this moment I have come to conclusion that I can choose to believe cancer or God, and personally for me. I choose God. Goodnight.
I’ve loved her since I was 5, cinnamon brown girl with hazel eyes. Features similar to mine, she was my friend, my sister, my cousin. In my mind that’s how she’ll always be, outside of her six foot status, numerous tattoos and rugged army exterior she’s still Tess.
Star basketball player, single mother at 12, I could never truly know her strength. I’ve admired from a distance, the older cousin going through my own drama but always thinking and hoping praying for the best. Her decisions I didn’t always understand, some views I didn’t support but HER. I’ve always had her back even if far away, in whispered prayers for her safety in the darkness as she served our country, as she struggled to bring championships to her team. I’ve always loved her. Somewhere on a dusty road in Duck Hill, MS we’re still little kids, me trying to carry her across, her failing and landing on her head, the bandage that ensued, the heartache of hurting one I love and forgiveness for trying to carry a load not meant for a 5 year old.
In her eyes, I’ve always found myself reflected. Hazel pools that changed with outfits, that have seen and embraced a different lifestyle from mine. That I don’t understand and don’t have too. My mission in this life has always been to love her, and support her. For she is my sister and my family and she’s found love in the arms of another woman.
Leery as I am of anyone having her heart, I realize that it’s not my responsibility. Not my journey to attempt to carry a load far bigger than my arms lest I drop her again. Instead, I place her in the arms of the heavenly father that made us both, grab my camera in support and capture the love she’s found with another and not the sex behind it.
It’s a New Year. We’ve survived the Mayan Apocolypse, and lived to fight another day. Hip Hip Hooray! Instead of tackling a year of resolutions, I’ve decided to take 30 days. Yes, just 30 days…fearless! I will make decisions without fear for 30 days and silence my inner critic…for 30 days. Afterwards, I’ll reevaluate my progress musketry something new again…for 30 days. I invite you to do the same. P.S.I’m typing on an older iPad, typos are my gift to you.
So in 30 days lets meet up and see what we’ve accomplished. Deal?
I couldn’t begin to review everything that has happened to this year, to being nominated Best New Business to winning our first national award together. This year has had both highs and lows but God it has been such a blessing. Thank you all! And stay tuned for the New Year.
Here’s the book cover and promotional graphic for our show.
Sorry guys, the last post was a test. I’m trying to get ready for our upcoming show Combat Boots & High Heels, it will be held at the MS Arts Center on September 8-26th. The grand opening is that night from 6 to 8 pm. It has required a ton of work and expenses. We initially started a Kickstarter, but we ran out of steam when it started to kick so we didn’t get any of the funds. Here’s the campaign below in case you missed it.
I hope everyone is doing well and thanks as always for your support.
It’s been a minute since I posted, I’ve been going through a whirlwind of changes. I am truly grateful for where I am today. While sitting in my office looking at my new prints for clients, preparing for a 2’oclock meeting involving a national campaign, and listening to my favorite hip hop from the early 90s when I was in middle school dreaming, (and yes I am aware this is particularly long run on sentence.) I couldn’t help but dance a happy jig!
Follow your dreams, and dance!
Well…barely. I’ve got a wicked cold and thankfully have finished a ton of work. This week consists of learning new things…which can be tricky but awesome and getting back on my exercise routine.
I have to say change is scary it’s something we want but when it comes we kick and scream like kids without pacifers. Well here’s to me putting on my big girl clothes, let’s get it!
I celebrated a birthday today. Not my own but a kindred spirit someone that transformed from a coworker to a dear lifelong friend, Juanita. We sat over a good meal and talked and laughed, celebrated the days spent together and those to come. This morning a Facebook post of another friend announced the devastating news of her miscarriage. My heart ached for her. I knew how she felt because I too lost a little one over a year ago. Few people know about it because I choose to keep it that way not today. Today I announced that my little one blossomed in my womb for 6 weeks. I acknowledge the love and honor I feel at carrying our first child. Our happy little accident for it wasn’t planned but who plans life. I realized something was amidst on my lunchbreak but having deadlines to meet, I went back in notified my superior of what I thought happened and kept working. I scheduled a Dr’s appointment, met with my practitioner who confirmed my suspicions and spent a long labor day weekend aching for a little one that I didn’t even know a week earlier existed. I’ve known loss but haven’t we all? While my husband was deployed to Afghanistan my dear sweet Godchild Jada Michal Phillips “JadaBug” who was born with a genetic condition died at 5 months and 3 weeks old. We buried her on what would’ve been her six month birthday.Her parents were my closest friends and we grieved. 3 days later my husband’s base was attacked. I called my brother at 3am and he consoled me as best he could. He didn’t have any answers why and neither do I. On the day we buried Jada, out of nowhere in a clear blue sky, a rainbow appeared. Somehow, in some universe she was letting us all know that she was ok. After a few days of grieving the loss of our little one my husband and I went to lunch, the sky was dark and rain drops fell along with my tears. At a red light beyond the windshield wipers, I saw a rainbow on the horizon, as we got closer I noticed it was two. It would be nice to say that I haven’t mourned since then, but my heart ached when I held my friend’s newborn and when I saw pregnant women go by or when the time approached that would’ve been my due date. I thank God for the fact we produced a life. I celebrate that life no matter how short. I gained insight in my loss and strength to follow my dreams. I realized I wouldn’t have time to dedicate to my little one like I wanted on my current career path. I was not fully living our stepping into the dreams I had for myself. I thought of all the wonderful things I would’ve told my little one and thought about my own negative self talk. I realized if I wouldn’t talk to my baby that way, why was I talking to myself that way. His life enriched mine and I am grateful. I am thankful for the strength and courage. Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Tuesdays Gone was an accurate portrayal of how I felt; Train roll on, on down the line, Won’t you please take me far away? Now I feel the wind blow outside my door, Means I’m leaving my baby behind. Tuesday’s gone with the wind. My baby’s gone with the wind. And I don’t know where I’m going. I just want to be left alone. Well, when this train ends I’ll try again, But I’m leaving my woman at home. [chorus] Tuesday’s gone with the wind. Tuesday’s gone with the wind. Tuesday’s gone with the wind. My baby’s gone with the wind. Train roll on many miles from my home, See, I’m riding my blues away. Tuesday, you see, she had to be free But somehow I’ve got to carry on. Carry on I do, like the wind my baby will return. We’ve followed our dreams and are creating a warm and loving environment for our future little one. And one day like the many I’ve loved and lost, we will graduate to our next stage of being, and hopefully we’ve left a little courage behind to live before dying.